it takes a pretty fuckin shitty ass person to lie to their own aunts and tell them they're going to do something when they die and assume they can just deny they told their aunt they'd do something and call the person that they were supposed to help with something in their lives "crazy". i'd rather kill myself than depend on government assistance and be unemployed my whole life- depending solely on social security my whole life. they're honestly everything i BUST MY ASS OFF NOT TO BE LIKE. everytime i look in the mirror, i honestly say to myself, "ugh. i hate her." and i'm NOT referring to "her" as MYSELF. that is HONESTLY the amount of anger i have towards her and i even angrily muttered to myself how i wish i had different dna. use your minds to figure it out, you might get it.. although i'm not sure if you will because you assumed i'd just be cool after taking after her to make YOUR fucking lives easier and more convenient. if you had ANY intelligence- you'd put yourself in MY shoes before making anymore of your stupid assumptions about MY life before you make anymore lazy ass, careless assumptions. i was correct about the judgment looking at my blog stats- people just anxiously look at this in hopes to see suffering and failure. i have another journal i write that shit in and it's NOT viewable online because *gasp* i AM smarter than to just bury myself in misery. so if you dicks seem to think THIS blog is bad- my journal will make your stupid asses cry. maybe if you actually got something to do with your OWN lives and didn't just worry about my own for entertainment- you'd be further in life.. besides working some shitty ass job while your husband rakes in all the cash or merely depending on social security, talking to your dogs, and having a boyfriend who either physically or verbally abuses you and calling it "love" because you can't find any decent, respectful man to be attracted to you. family members just condone this abuse and neglect because they assume it's more "convenient" for them because it seemed to work for my grandma. my family (other than joe) is the least empathetic people in the whole world and.. it takes intelligence in order to be "empathetic". so that should say enough about my situation i'm trapped in. i feel like amanda and my mom are just waiting for me to kill myself outta frustration because they seem so damn careless about what I TRULY WANT for MY life. my previous care coordinator used to dismiss all my blog posts about killing myself because she said i was "all talk" and no action. that particular care coordinator had a son who killed himself. it's mean to say that i understand why he killed himself with support like that. she probably said the SAME thing about her son and he proved her wrong. so those are just some things to think about. if you think about the crazy shit i've done in my life- i honestly wouldn't put anything past me. i may be crazy but i'm NOT stupid enough to believe i can just live the rest of my life comfortably on depending MERELY on social security. if you think that shit is possible- YOU surrender YOUR job and depend solely on government assistance. you can't fucking do it, so you shouldn't encourage people who have MORE potential than to live off government assistance JUST for YOUR fucking convenience because you're an unempathetic, entitled lying jackass.
at sabathani today, i had to tell some of the people that called that sabathani was gonna be closed after 5 pm and on friday and saturday because it was so cold. the thought of slipping my long underwear on before i went to work today crossed my mind but i'm not really sure where fredrick put them in my dresser.
something just crossed my mind, i remember probably the last time my grandpa said anything to me and he told me not to listen to anyone, i could do anything i put my mind to. SO AT LEAST I KNOW I'M NOT DISAPPOINTING ANY OF MY LOVED ONES WHO ARE DECEASED.. unlike other certain neices. my grandma used to remind me of what my grandpa said when she was still alive. so i can at least see where my persistance came from. i may be crazy but i'm NOT stupid.
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